bleh men

Apr. 25th, 2012 08:29 am
danorsong: (Default)
[personal profile] danorsong
So, one of the things I really liked about Veggies was that he and I were very uncomplicated. It was friendship, and it was sex. At this point in my life I'm not so trusting that I want to go careening off into a RELATIONSHIP just now. Maybe not ever... who knows.

Well, he and I have pretty much also stopped seeing each other this last month or so. I've been busy he's had a new Girlfriend person.

ok I'm back, there are days when sandy makes no sense
I'm sorry
she says she thinks of things all day everyday, etc...I dunno
I'm just irritated with her antics right now, and she keeps reiterating that I have no direction in life... (he doesn't by the way but that is neither here nor there....)
I'm like, so I live within my means...have a job I love, and have come to a period in my life where depression is not the controlling factor in my descisions
and that's a really big thing right there.
yet...I'm the one with no direction
because I don't make a lot of money or have an impressive job

it always comes down to materialism it seems
that really sucks cause you are good to be around.
she recognizes that, but since I live a rather stark or monastic existence....I'm not doing well for myself
and that means I'm not a worthy person

Hon, that kinda sucks.
I've come to expect it in most people that live in the sleeping world of the "American Dream"
it took me a long time to make my parents realize it

how frustrating.
they still want that stuff, but not I
do you get what I'm talking about?

I'm not going to lie, I like stuff but my life pass isn't for everyone else.
and yeah I do. I mean one of the reasons I went to china, was to see what a Not Stuff life was like and it was fine.

yes....exactly...I like nice things....things I use that are my computer
I could live with out the stuff again and lately I've not been buying new stuff it's what I got when I was with Verizon.
but you know I don't have much other stuff
Right but you function.
more than function...I'm happy
hey some are happy and don't function
my depression is mostly nill

and given my line of work function is important :P I'm so damn mundane...
how was the "shitty" apartment? Did it "piss" you off?
1) does it hurt that she spins wheels on it 2) can you talk to her about it if it did?
I tried talking to her about it...she's one of those that is so far out of touch with their emotions that when you ask them how they got to a conclusion because you want to understand they say you're judging them

yeah, she's great to talk to but, she's very confused, and as a result I am letting that affect me negatively
Can you just avoid it?
I don't do avoidance very well
nor I...

So... I'm bold he is italics... and the thing is I miss hanging out with him, and I miss the sex. I *really* miss the sex it was fantastic. Having said that even if they broke it off I don't think we'd be seeing each other that way again. I'm still kinda of pissed that he suggested we have phone sex (not touching = not cheating) and he gets in these moods...

I guess what makes me sad is this idea that people are going to change because you are dating them. the apartment is small yes, but he does well with it. He's happy there and sure it's a sofa bed but fuck it at least he pays his rent. Yes there were roaches but he got rid of them too. Yes he is working part time and collecting disability, but he can budget plan and get things taken care of.

My biggest limiting factor is that he smokes because it directly effects me. The rest of it.... no. One of the reasons I didn't push to be his girlfriend or try and force emotions that weren't there was because of his stark existence. I'm damn middle class. I like having things I want a retirement plan I want some security even though in truth it's only an abstract.... I want to have some semblance of it. I think that's a big reason why things sucks so bad lately there is not security in local friends, and now the damn bank theft. Course, it's back this morning (YAY I CAN PAY BILLS) but to be frank... he chose, he went with the complicated girl, and now things are complicated and he is whining to me. It's not fair. I'm interesting, but not complicated, I've got a desire for companionship but I've got my shit together. I don't know if I will ever go head over heels for a guy again, can't say never but I do have fondness for people.... and it seems that I am unlovable by the opposite sex.

April 2012

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